Hey, hey! Guys, you won't believe this!
- I just got off the phone with my agent... - Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry. Too soon. You go. JOEY: Okay.
I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
PHOEBE: Oh, Joey, good for you! MONICA: Congratulations!
- I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy! - No, no.
- Soap Opera Digest Award? - Nope, I'm up for a "Soapie."
Honey, is that something you're making up?
No, no, no, it's real! And it has been since 1998.
Hey, Rach, Rach. I'm up for a Soapie!
[GASPS]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! That is the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Thank you! Well, I guess now we know who I'm taking to the awards.
Oh, stop that! Don't kid about that! Will all the stars be there?
Many are scheduled to appear.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. I can't go. I'll be too nervous! - Okay, I'll go.
No! You are getting married. This is all I have.
And Ernest Muhlbrat first hypothesized that the velociraptor, when threatened...
...would expand its collar and emit a high-pitched noise...
...to frighten off its predator.
Yes, Mr. Lewis?
What kind of noise?
Just a high-pitched, intimidating noise.
But like how?
Well, we... We don't know for sure.
But in my head, it sounded something like this, uh:
[SHRIEKING]
Of course, this is just conjecture.
Ahem, okay. That's, uh... That's all for today.
Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Yes, sir?
Mr. Morse, I need to talk to you about your midterm exam.
- I'm afraid I had to fail you. - Why?
Well, you need 60 percent to pass.
- What'd I get? - Seven.
That's not so good.
No, no, it's not. What happened there, Ned?
Well, maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love.
I'm sorry, but that's really not my problem.
I'm in love with you.
Well, that brings me in the loop a little.
See, that's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating.
When you're up there and you're teaching...
...and your face gets all serious...
...you look so good. When you wear that tight little turtleneck sweater...
Okay. Ned, um...
I, uh... Ha, ha. I'm your teacher. I'm sorry.
You're... You're a student.
And I... And I like women, ha, ha.
In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
Oh, my God.
That guy at the counter is totally checking you out.
Really?
- Oh, my God, he's really cute. - Heh. Go for it.
Phoebe, I'm engaged.
I'm just saying, get his number, just in case.
But if Chandler is in an accident and can't perform sexually, you know...
...then he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs he can no longer fulfill.
- Hi. I... - Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
Can I just tell you something? Um...
I'm very flattered, but, uh, I'm engaged. Ha, ha.
Wow, uh... This is kind of embarrassing.
I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Well, you should be embarrassed.
- I thought you knew I was looking at you. - I did, but that was really fun.
JOEY [IN DEEP VOICE]: "The winner is Joey Tribbiani!"
[GASPS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] "Oh, wow.
I honestly never expected this. I, uh...
I didn't prepare a speech.
But I'd like to thank my parents, who've always been there for me.
Also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel..."
- I'm fourth? - Jeez!
Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Maybe you don't tell anyone about this.
What? No.
It's not a big deal. I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What award are you practicing for? - Grammy.
- Best New Artist. - Ooh.
Oh, hey, listen. The Soapies people called today. I also get to present an award.
- Aw, that's great. - Yeah.
So you'll get on stage even if you don't win.
- You... You don't think I'm gonna win? - Of course I do.
Oh.
But, you know, Favorite Returning Character is a tough category, Joey.
I mean, you're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Yeah. No, I know I might not win. But it's just...
I've never even been nominated before. I want it so much.
Well, and you'll probably get it.
But you should probably start practicing your "gracious-loser" face.
Like, when the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed...
...but also that your colleague deserved to win. Sort of like:
[GASPS]
- Hey. - You know?
- You practice losing at the Grammys too? - Oh, no, at the Grammys, I always win.
Ah.
- Oh, hey. - Hey. How'd your date go with Jake?
Great. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other all night.
Then every once in a while, he'd lean over and stroke my hair, and then touch my neck.
Okay, stop it. You're getting me all tingly.
[PHOEBE LAUGHS]
All I could think of was, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he?"
- And did he? - I'm a lady, Monica. I don't kiss and tell.
But this hickey speaks for itself.
Okay, okay, I got it. I got it.
I just like him so much that I just feel like I've had 10 drinks today.
And I've only had six.
Oh. You know, I haven't had that feeling since I first starting going out with Chandler.
- Wow, I'm never gonna have that feeling again. - You sound like a guy.
Heh. No, a guy would say, "I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Heh.
Oh, my God. I'm never gonna sleep with anyone else!
I've been so busy planning the wedding, I forgot about all the things I'd be giving up.
I mean, I'm never gonna have a first kiss again.
You'll have a last kiss.
Can I ask you something? You ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
There's this kid in my class who said he's in love with me.
- Whoa! ROSS: Yeah.
- Whoa, what? - Ross has a boyfriend.
I do... I do not have a boyfriend.
There's a guy in one of my classes who has a crush on me.
- Really? - Yeah. I don't know.
I mean, last year, Elizabeth, now this kid...
What... What... What is it? Am I giving out some kind of...
...a sexy-professor vibe?
Not right now.
The point is, my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Aw, see now I feel bad for the kid.
I had a crush on a teacher once, and it was so hard, you know.
I couldn't concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me.
Come on, you remember what it's like to be 19 and in love.
- Yeah, guess I can cut him some slack. RACHEL: Yeah.
- How'd you get over that teacher? - I didn't.
I got under him.
Problem solved.
- Bye, Phoebe. - Okay, bye.
- All right. Bye. - Bye.
[SIGHS]
We said goodbye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Phoebe, it's okay. You don't have to tiptoe around me.
I've been thinking about it, and um... You know what?
I'm okay about not having that new-relationship feeling.
- I miss you already! - I miss you too!
See, that's what I mean. That's great, but I wouldn't trade in what I have for that.
I mean, I'm gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life.
- That's what makes me happy. - Mm-hm.
Hey, sweetie, come here, sit down. We were talking about how our relationship is...
...deep and meaningful. It really is, don't you think?
Oh, totally.
Pull my finger.
ANNOUNCER: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male...
This is it. This is my category!
- Got your speech? - Got my speech.
- Got your gracious-loser face? - Yep.
Now, Joey, remember, if you win, you have to hug me.
Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
- On TV? - Yeah.
- Okay.
In the category of Favorite Returning Male Character, the nominees are:
John Wheeler from General Hospital.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Gavin Graham from The Young and the Restless.
Duncan Harrington from Passions.
And Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives.
And the Soapie goes to:
Gavin Graham from The Young and the Restless.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
ANNOUNCER: Presenting the Favorite Supporting Actress award:
Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight...
...deserves to take it home. Unfortunately, only one can.
[SCOFFS]
The nominees for Favorite Supporting Actress are:
From Passions, Erin Goff.
From One Life to Live, Mary Lauren Bishop.
From All My Children, Sarah Renee.
And from Days of Our Lives, Jessica Ashley.
And the winner is:
Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives.
Uh, unfortunately, Jessica couldn't be with us tonight...
...so I'll be accepting this award on her behalf.
And I'm sure that Jessica...
...would like to thank my parents...
...who always believed in me.
And she'd also like to thank my friends:
Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe and Rachel...
...who's sitting right there.
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Joey, why did we have to rush out of there so fast?
We had to get out of there because...
Look what I won! Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, my God. You stole her award.
No, no, no. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
[RACHEL SCOFFS]
I don't think you know what "behalf" means.
Sure I do. It's a verb. As in "I be half-in' it"!
Joey...
- You have got to take this back. - Why? I should've won one. I really wanted it.
She didn't even care enough to come to the thing. It could also be a Grammy.
No, Joey.
Come on, Rach. No one saw me take it. There was a whole table full of them.
Do you really want an award that you didn't win?
No, I want an award I did win. But nobody's given me any of those!
Plus, look, hey, Rach. If I put it up, when people come over, they'll see it...
...and they'll think I won it.
Joey, it says "Best Supporting Actress."
I can scratch that right off.
Joey, no, this is wrong. You have to take it back.
Okay? You don't wanna win an award this way. You're very talented.
And someday you're gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
- Oh, all right. - All right? Thank you.
[JOEY SIGHS]
- I'll take it back tomorrow. - Thank you.
- If I can't have it, you can't have it! - Aah!
- Professor Geller? - Yes, Mr. Lewis? How can I help you?
I know I didn't do well on my midterms and stuff...
...but I was kind of hoping you could change my grade.
And why exactly would I do that?
Because I'm in love with you.
What?
Yeah. I'm all in love with you and stuff.
- So could you change my grade? - No!
Well, why not? You changed Ned's grade.
Well, that's different, okay? Because he was actually in love with me.
No, he's not! He's totally yanking your chain.
He's done this with three other teachers.
- What? - He's got a girlfriend.
I can't believe someone would do that for a grade.
I know.
It's awful.
I love you.
- Have you seen Chandler? - No, why?
I just keep thinking about all these things I'm not gonna have...
...and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do about it.
Okay. Don't sweat it.
Chandler is nowhere around, so get it out of your system. That guy's cute.
Phoebe, come on, I'm serious.
- I've just gotta talk to him about all this. - That is the last thing you wanna do.
- Why? - Because you're marrying him!
You gotta help me out here, Pheebs.
All right, I've never been engaged and I've never really been married.
But I can only tell you what my mother told me.
Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship...
...do not communicate them to your husband.
So I'm not supposed to share my doubts and fears...
...with the guy I'm spending the rest of my life with?
That is correct. Yes.
You're supposed to put all that stuff in a little box in your mind...
...and then lock it up tight.
- Your mother told you this? - Yes.
The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
Oh, my God, you're right.
All right, go. Go tell Chandler. Hurry, before it's too late!
Wait, no! Does this also mean that putting out doesn't get you love?
- I can't believe I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley! - Wait, wait.
Please be cool, okay? I work with this woman.
- Okay, I'm totally cool. - Okay.
JESSICA: Come in.
Hey, Jessica.
Hey, Jess.
This is my friend Rachel.
- Hi. - What's up?
Uh, listen, here's your Soapie. I accepted it for you.
Oh, my God. I won? Do you have any idea what this means?
That's it. You're not gonna put it on your shelf or anything?
No, I try to save that for real awards. Now if you'll excuse me?
JOEY: Hm!
- Take it back? - Absolutely.
Yep.
Yeah, you do.
- Honey? As we get closer to the wedding... - Hm?
...is there anything you'd like to talk about or share?
Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big.
You're wrong. The centerpieces are fine.
- Do you ever get scared at all? - Kind of. They're really big.
Doesn't it ever freak you out that you're never gonna be with anybody new again?
What?
Just...
I love you so much. Just...
It's just sometimes it bothers me that I'm never gonna have that feeling.
When you first meet someone for the first time...
...and it's new and exciting. You know that rush?
No.
No, see, when I first meet somebody...
...it's mostly panic, anxiety and a great deal of sweating.
Okay, but... All right, you're a guy.
Does it not freak you out that you're never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Sleeping with somebody, no.
Anxiety, panic and I'm afraid even more sweating.
Even with me?
I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship.
Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
- Really? - Well, yeah.
Knowing you're having these thoughts, we're back to panic, anxiety and, uh...
...I'm definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Come here.
Oh, sweetie, you don't have to worry.
No. Besides, you know what? I'm gonna have a lot of new things with you.
The first time we buy a house, our first kid, our first grandkid.
Water. Water. Water.
Uh, Mr. Morse? Can I speak to you for a moment?
That was a great lecture today.
- Did you get a haircut? - Mm-hm.
Yeah, yeah. Do you like it? Do you love it?
I want you to know that I'm changing your grade back.
What? Why?
Because I know what you're trying to pull here. It's not gonna work.
I'm not trying to pull anything. Look, I love you, dude.
You know what, I'm not even gonna talk about this. This little "thing" is over.
I know you have a girlfriend. Yeah. And I know about the other professors.
How do you think that makes me feel, Ned? You used me!
You don't love me and you never did!
Ah, Professor Winston. Professor Frederickson.
I'll be right with you.
Don't make this worse and I'll give you a C. Shall we?
Rach?
RACHEL: I'll be out in a second. - Hm.
"It's just so unexpected! I...
Ha-ha-ha.
I'll tell you, it's just such an honor to just be nominated...
...for a Nobel Prize.
And, you know, to win one for a massage! Oh...
Especially after having just won a Tony Award for Best Actress..."
We have to go. Our reservations are at 8.
"...in Reservations at Eight by Neil Simon.
Thank you, Neil. Thank you for the words."
You can finish this later. We're gonna be late. We gotta go.
Please don't play the music. Just one more thing.
Okay.
"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
[English - US - SDH]